- If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.
- I may look calm, but in my head I’ve punched you in the face 3 times!
- “I wish I knew how to quit you.” -Me, eating chips and salsa.
- 99% sure my neighbors have seen me naked through my window at least 20 times. 1% sure 21 times.
- The best feeling: when you wake up at 5am and realize you still have more hours to sleep…
- Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
- Onions: £3.00, Caramel: £2.00, Popsicle sticks: £1.00. Watching your friends bite into a caramel onion thinking it’s an apple: beyond priceless.
- Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
- The awkward moment when the most annoying person is complaining about someone being annoying.
- “Trust me, you can dance.” -Vodka
- Admit it, you’ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
- Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder
- If gas gets any more expensive I’ll have to file for tankruptcy!
- Exercise…ex…er…cise…..ex…ar…..size……eggs…are…sides….for bacon. Bacon.
- Things I didn’t learn in high school…
how to pay bills
buy a house
apply for college
but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
- They say better late then never, but never late is better
- Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
- don’t you dare like this status
- Dragonfruit tastes nothing like dragons…
- My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
Coincidence? I think not.
- I love it when people call me at 3 AM. “Hey, are you asleep?” “No, I’m skydiving.”
- Tell someone, “You wore that shirt the day after yesterday” and see how long it takes them to get it.
- These updates were popular among our fans
If you’re one of those people who say “quote, unquote” more than once a day, I hate you.
- Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
- the more you know: If you can’t sleep it’s because your in someone else’s dream…
- finish this…
- We all know a douche bag named Kyle
- Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
- Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
- –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death
- Insert coin to view my status message
- X is Loading ████████████ 99%
- “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” -Ron Swanson
- Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself!
- Just watched that TLC show where they exploit people.
- if your bored write your password as a comment plz
- If you look in the mirror and say “Taylor Swift” three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you.
- If my name was Mario, I’d end all my relationships with “It’s not you, It’s-a me Mario!”
- I hate it when you drink water and the ice attacks your face
- An “ear of corn” looks nothing like an ear
- If you think about it, Miss Mary Mack was the pioneer for goth girls.
- I don’t need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you’re a train wreck from all the way over here.
- Cut here —————–✄———————-
- Are you a beaver? Cause dam.
- Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
- I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
- Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
- if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
- decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
- Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
- Coffee to me is what mushrooms are to Mario.
- The best feeling: when you wake up at midnight and realize you still have more hours to sleep.
Old school statuses
- Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.
- You say stalking. I say protecting you with binoculars.
- That awesome moment when someone cancels plans that you didn’t want to have in the first place.
- 2013 Pick Up Lines: “I have a full tank of gas.”
- Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
- My favorite colors are Grey Goose & Red Bull
- Old people study the shit out of receipts.
- “I know” – best response to someone telling you your fly is open
- The awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and walks straight past you.
- Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
- Fact: No one has ever “Jumped in the shower.”
- Money can’t buy happiness but it sure buys a lot of distractions.
- Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?
- You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
- Hey Facebook search, way to guess the guy I’m stalking after I only typed in 1 letter.