Facebook Status Updates

Stephen Duncan June 29, 2013 0
Facebook Status Updates

   New Updates

    • If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.
    • I may look calm, but in my head I’ve punched you in the face 3 times!
    • “I wish I knew how to quit you.” -Me, eating chips and salsa.
    • 99% sure my neighbors have seen me naked through my window at least 20 times. 1% sure 21 times.
    • The best feeling: when you wake up at 5am and realize you still have more hours to sleep…
    • Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
    • Onions: £3.00, Caramel: £2.00, Popsicle sticks: £1.00. Watching your friends bite into a caramel onion thinking it’s an apple: beyond priceless.
    • Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
    • The awkward moment when the most annoying person is complaining about someone being annoying.
    • “Trust me, you can dance.” -Vodka
    • Admit it, you’ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
    • Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder
    • If gas gets any more expensive I’ll have to file for tankruptcy!

Favorite Status’

        These updates were popular among our fans

      • Exercise…ex…er…cise…..ex…ar…..size……eggs…are…sides….for bacon. Bacon.
      • Things I didn’t learn in high school…
        how to pay bills
        buy a house
        apply for college
        but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
      • They say better late then never, but never late is better
      • Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
      • don’t you dare like this status
      • Dragonfruit tastes nothing like dragons…
      • My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
      • Stu(dying)
        Stu(died)
        Coincidence? I think not.
      • I love it when people call me at 3 AM. “Hey, are you asleep?” “No, I’m skydiving.”
      • Tell someone, “You wore that shirt the day after yesterday” and see how long it takes them to get it.

If you’re one of those people who say “quote, unquote” more than once a day, I hate you.

    • Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
    • the more you know: If you can’t sleep it’s because your in someone else’s dream…
    • finish this…
    • We all know a douche bag named Kyle
    • Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
    • Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
    • –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death
    • Insert coin to view my status message
    • X is Loading ████████████ 99%
    • “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” -Ron Swanson
    • Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself!
    • Just watched that TLC show where they exploit people.
    • if your bored write your password as a comment plz
    • If you look in the mirror and say “Taylor Swift” three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you.
    • If my name was Mario, I’d end all my relationships with “It’s not you, It’s-a me Mario!”
    • I hate it when you drink water and the ice attacks your face
    • An “ear of corn” looks nothing like an ear
    • If you think about it, Miss Mary Mack was the pioneer for goth girls.

Our Favorites

    • I don’t need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you’re a train wreck from all the way over here.
    • Cut here —————–✄———————-
    • Are you a beaver? Cause dam.
    • Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
    • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
    • Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
    • if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
    • decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
    • Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
    • Coffee to me is what mushrooms are to Mario.
    • The best feeling: when you wake up at midnight and realize you still have more hours to sleep.

Old school statuses

    • Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.
    • You say stalking. I say protecting you with binoculars.
    • That awesome moment when someone cancels plans that you didn’t want to have in the first place.
    • 2013 Pick Up Lines: “I have a full tank of gas.”
    • Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
    • My favorite colors are Grey Goose & Red Bull
    • Old people study the shit out of receipts.
    • “I know” – best response to someone telling you your fly is open
    • The awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and walks straight past you.
    • Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
    • Fact: No one has ever “Jumped in the shower.”
    • Money can’t buy happiness but it sure buys a lot of distractions.
    • Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?
    • You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
    • Hey Facebook search, way to guess the guy I’m stalking after I only typed in 1 letter.

 

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