Jose Mourinho’s Partridgean nightmare doesn’t leave us offering much sympathy at The Man Times, in fact bordering on none. Naturally his position as Manchester United manager leaves him busier than a Japanese prisoner of war, but surely not busy enough to phone an estate agent to find him somewhere to live. The Man Times is based in Cheshire, in the heart of the Footballer and Real housewives shemozzle that is this little part of Northwest England affectionately known as the golden triangle. There is literally a bucket load of properties to rent around here or buy, all with big ‘ole security gates and nice high walls and fences to keep the paparazzi away, yes they’re pretty expensive, it’s a pretty exclusive area and he has a specific set of requirements but the guy isn’t exactly short a bob or two.
It’s hard being away from your family for extended periods of time, we get that and we could understand if Mourinho was sat in his £1000 a night dismantling his Corby trouser press bored to tears. Even worse he may not have a Corby trouser press. We’ve done long stints in hotels and we’ve suffered the ignominy of being on first name terms with the receptionist and the bar man and its depressing when they’re the only person in the hotel you know and can talk to while you stare into the bottom of your 5th pint of the evening before going to bed.
If ever a man was screaming out for a long-suffering P.A. its Jose Mourinho, in fact surely he must have one or at least his agent will have one that he can borrow to sort this stuff out for him, but here is man clearly caught in a quagmire.
It’s not difficult to picture him sat on his own in a hotel restaurant with his own plate that’s slightly larger than the ones that the hotel offers as standard watching the world go by with a sense melancholy before returning to his hotel suite to get his special things out of his “secret drawer” which nobody goes in, but of housekeeping regularly everybody does.
We can leave the thinly veiled Partridge references aside for a second, if Jose Mourinho is feeling sorry for himself he can improve the quality of his life by trying to sort himself out. He isn’t the first football manager to be missing his family and with his kids at the age of 17 and 20 they are at a crucial stage of their lives and let’s face it will be flying the nest soon enough. If he really wanted help, surely the club would be helping him out finding him a proper base to settle down. What we think is that United have been a little out of sorts, he’s struggling to get the most expensive player in the world in to a team where there’s a talismanic figure in an England captain he needs to ship out and things aren’t moving as quickly as he’d like. It’s a classic diversionary tactic of which he is notoriously good at, only this time we can see it written down the side of his car as he shouts it across the carpark of his Travel Tavern.
We make no apologies for crude or shoe horned Alan Partridge jokes and references.