Everyone makes mistakes. Like this week, i.e., my co-creators asked me to help them at the office. My sole responsibility was to shred papers, a process assigned out of fear I would do real damage if given a real job, yet I decided to go above & beyond the call of duty. I heard laughing in the workplace, so I invented a corporate policy and I sent it out as a memo:
It has come to my attention that laughter is being emitted from your workplace. As it is nonetheless work time, please adhere to corporate rules which are as follows:
You are permitted up to 2 bathroom breaks per day. As per the timed lock mechanism in the restroom, you have 2.8 minutes to complete your current mission before you are automatically locked in. If you fail to complete your act in the allotted 2.8 minutes, we will have a person unlock the door, and you will be forced to wear a dunce cap and sit in the corner for the remainder of the day.
While in the workplace, all laughter should be repressed at all times. The sole exception is a little, barely audible giggle that will not disturb those around you. This giggle could come from either: Seeing one of your colleagues sport a dunce cap on account of violation of rule 1, or from doing their job and stealing business from our competition.
Eating must be restricted to designated locations, which is limited to the kitchen. Each employee is given a precise 20 minute interval to eat lunch so that no productivity is lost. In case you need to verify your designated lunch time, please refer to your company issued employee handbook. If you feel the need to go outside the office for lunch, be conscious you’ll be given no extra time. Fast food was invented for a reason you know!
The employee handbook, issued to each employee on the first day of the employment, is, as far as you are concerned your Bible*. Live it, learn it, breath it.
* This company does not accept the practice of any religion. This reference to a Christian text is used merely to enforce the significance of the handbook. For further info about our stance on religion in the office, please refer to the handbook.
All staff will conduct themselves with professional conduct all times.
A. For females this indicates pant suits, knee length skirts, blouses that button above the clavicle, and shoes not exceeding 2 inches in height. Any blatant display of feminism is seriously frowned upon. Ifyou have any questions, please Google Image “Sarah Palin” for a visual aid.
B. For males this suggests suits with dress shoes. You could express your creativity by means of your tie color, which might be the primary color of your choice but must not be of a “comedy” variety.
C. Casual Fridays are for the weak minded, & will as a result be banned from the office from this day forth.
Failure to abide by these rules will result in termination, fines, or prolonged use of the dunce cap.