Valentine’s Day Survival Guide

Edgy February 7, 2015 0
Valentine’s Day Survival Guide

That time of year is on us again the dreaded VD, Valetine’s day, and with a week to go we thought we’d give you a few survival tips to help you make it through! This is a minefield for the best of men and almost everyone has a blot on their copy book of Valentine’s days gone by. What we thought we’d knock together is a Valentine’s day survival guide of a sort. Something that will help minimize the risk of another failure. If you’re a rookie, then God help you and if he can’t then we can at least try. There are advantages in 2015 that this dreaded day falls on a Saturday which gives you a Window in which to play around with some entertainment and an emergency few hours in the morning to get anything in you may have forgotten.

“Shall we not bother this year?”

This is almost certainly a trap. In 999,999 cases out of 1,000,000 our extensive research (of which there was none) indicates that if asked if you shouldn’t bother then you almost certainly should. There are three main indicators to determine if you shouldn’t bother.

  1. Your wife, girlfriend, partner or significant other has never once changed their mind on a whim
  2. Your wife, girlfriend, partner or significant other has always been certain of what they want and has never been known to make obscure regrettable decisions (be careful here as one of these may be you)
  3. Your wife, girlfriend, partner or significant other has never become irrational or upset for reasons that you haven’t been able to fathom.

Rookies should note.  They should always bother.  Now we’ve decided that you should actually give a toss then there are further rules and points of note.  Chances are after being told that you aren’t bothering but leaping to the conclusion that we are, you shouldn’t bother to the point that you will not upset her should she also secretly bother and you either A. Fall short, B. Go to big and she feels bad.  If she is secretly bothering, she is doing it to make you feel bad for not bothering so you need to be ready, similarly if she isn’t your gesture can’t be so big that it will upset her and make her feel bad. Know your audience, I can’t tell you what to do or what to get, but there are rules about what not to do.
trap

Nothing good will come of this!

Whatever you are expecting this Valentine’s day our extensive study* indicates that it will almost certainly not work out the way you want. If you are thinking if you blow this Valentine’s day out of the water you might get the extra special loving then bad news.   The best that’s going to happen is that on the other side of this you are going to come out at the Status Quo and perhaps you might get a good review when she talks to her friends.  The only way is down so your mission is to prevent that from happening.
Loser
If you tank then there remains the potential for weeks of grief and your failure being thrown back in your face at various points in the future.  It will continue to be thrown in your face until you achieve some Valentine’s Day success. Expect before next year to be told because you were so bad last year that you shouldn’t bother this year. See point 1.

If it looks Sh*t, it is Sh*t – The Present

If you were thinking that you could coast through today with a cheap ass card, some flowers and a small box of chocolate’s then you would be wrong. Though overtly your offering may appear to be accepted by your Wife, Girlfriend, Partner or Significant Other on the surface, in reality you have been marked down for lack of effort. Unless you have managed to set the bar so lo for yourself that picking up a handful of crap from the nearest Tesco’s is considered effort on your part then you’re going to have to do a little better and fortunately for us we have a plan!
WTF
Jewellery, is always the best port of call. I can hear you scream at the monitor right now, have I taken leave of my senses? No, not at all, the great thing about Jewellery is that its impolite and against the code to ask how much these Item’s cost! Even better you will be amazed as to how little you can get Diamond Earrings or a Gold Diamond Necklace actually for! You can look her in the eye and tell her you her gold Diamond Earrings without lying, whilst neglecting to mention the fact you paid less than £50 and the carat weight of the diamond in question is worth less than an actual carrot.

Choosing a style is easy, get ones you either like (unlikely) or look similar to ones she already has (more likely). This may involve several planning days of paying attention so once again take care to be subtle. A simple rule of thumb is the best gifts are ones that look more expensive than they actually are whilst giving you sufficient plausibility to carry off the coup. Anything that you can remove the price tag from essentially.

Go Out!

Unless you can cook, then go the hell out. You have fair warning so their should be a decent amount of restaurant space available. It doesn’t have to be glam, just try and avoid the pub and just get a half decent restaurant. It’s not about the food its about breaking the routine of the pathetic lives you’ve developed with each other and getting some good conversation points over the quality or lack thereof in you choice of establishment. If this doesn’t go well then there’s an easy opportunity, throw a fictional friend under the bus and proclaim you’re never eating their again. You have established a point of common conversational ground over the food, menu options and its apparent quality or lack of it. This is good, it avoids those awkward silences.

John said that place was good, but it was awful. We’re never eating their again!

Rookies should note – the food should always be good. You’re a rookie for a reason!

Never underestimate the power of a movie. Its the time of year that sh*tty Rom-Coms make their way into the world, taking your Wife, Girlfriend, Partner or Significant Other to a movie is a great opportunity to fill one long awkward silence because you’re watching the film. If you are conversationally weak then this is the option for you. Chances are with a botched meal and a bad movie you have enough conversation ammo to get you through an evening without making yourself sound like a total oaf.
EmergencyExit
IMPORTANT NOTE! The movie was likely more emotionally engaging for the Wife, Girlfriend, Partner or Significant Other (which I’m really going to have to abbreviate at this point). Under No Circumstances take the p1ss out of the movie or complain about it. The chances are you have missed an important emotionally engaging plot point that you have missed, this will be a revelation that will have been imprinted on to you at some point by your WGPSO without your knowledge. If you can’t think of anything nice to say about the film, SAY NOTHING!

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DECLARE THE LEAD OR SUPPORTING ACTRESSES TO BE HOT!

YOU MUST APPEAR TO HAVE HAD A GOOD TIME. THIS WILL HELP HER HAVE A GOOD TIME!

Stay In!

If you Stay In then I assume you are also cooking something. Takeaway is a cop out and should not be considered. If you can cook and you have a bit of a repertoire then you should reach for the high end of it. If you can’t cook and you are going to give it a bash to impress then you are foolish but I admire your ballsiness and The Man Times is here to help. As you well know we have an impressive selection of Recipes just such an occasion, but this year we’ve taken the liberty of prepping you a simple menu which can put you in the Valentine’s day driving seat. Get it right and you’re on the road to success.
DiningShennaingans
Just because you aren’t going out doesn’t mean you can scrimp on the extra’s! Finding the right wine and the right mood for your evening. Consider some candles… a lot. Some Champagne wouldn’t go a miss either. Champagne, for the record cost’s more than £20! Nail the booze, Nail the food and Nail the entertainment and you’re on to a winner. Entertainment I hear you cry. He’s not mentioned that bit yet! Well no, that doesn’t necessarily hire a clown to come and make balloon animals, or erect a bouncy castle in the back yard. This will require the use of background music, mood music so you should find the right deal for this. Then what are you going to do after dinner and after YOU have cleaned up. (Points can be lost for failing to address this.) This is where the selection of a movie, TV Binge watch or whatever your bend as a couple is.

Unless you’re a mentalist buy Dessert. They’re almost impossible to make taste nice and look nice at the same time, unless you’re hardcore pro! Just be sure to get a favorite and you’ll be fine.

Its Not about you

Brace yourself for this. Its not about you, it was never about you and you were beyond stupid if you thought it was. Do your Job and Get Out alive and if you’re lucky then you will remain ear bashing free for the next few days. You Can Not hope to win, there is no right answer, all you can do is survive!

Its totally about you!

Don’t get me wrong the the whole thing isn’t about you but your chances of survival are totally about you. If you are willing to put in the effort, spend a bit of money and give your WGFPSO a day they will remember then survival is yours. If you cop out you’ll flop and find yourself on the scrap heap with all the rookies before long.

*no study was carried out

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